Writing down what is on my mind is such a therapeutic workout for me. Sometimes I write a blog post but it sits unpublished because I sometimes need to get things off my chest. But sometimes I do hit the publish button.
Like today.
I was away most of the week before Easter. My BFF has breast cancer and I went to stay with her for a few days to support and help her out during her surgery. The tumour was small and we were told they got it all. Just a few rounds of radiation as a precaution await her over the next few months. It certainly is a wake up call. This seems to be happening more frequently to people around me. Caroline (Lonicera blog) recently lost her beloved John. And V from Dinnerland just lost her dad. It’s probably an age thing. Most of my friends and family are older. But then I thought of those around us—our kids, our colleagues, our friends. They too are dealing with death and illness.
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Like today.
I was away most of the week before Easter. My BFF has breast cancer and I went to stay with her for a few days to support and help her out during her surgery. The tumour was small and we were told they got it all. Just a few rounds of radiation as a precaution await her over the next few months. It certainly is a wake up call. This seems to be happening more frequently to people around me. Caroline (Lonicera blog) recently lost her beloved John. And V from Dinnerland just lost her dad. It’s probably an age thing. Most of my friends and family are older. But then I thought of those around us—our kids, our colleagues, our friends. They too are dealing with death and illness.
Of course I start to do a lot of reflection at times like this.
While away, I had a chance to visit not only with my BFF but three of my siblings. We’re all a bunch of nut cases so I won’t say I’m any different. It’s sometimes fun to be nutty.
But I realized we all deal with stresses in different ways. Sometimes I don’t even know that I’m under stress until I start the eating—the junk food, the chocolate...
I grew up the fat girl in a family of 5 kids. I have fought the battle most of my life and continue to do so. Weight control and living the good life is for life not just a moment in time. I know there are some genetics which predisposed me to obesity but I also realize I dealt with anxiety by eating. My other siblings used different forms of calming. Some have a problem with “stuff”.
It became clearer over the weekend that through my life, whenever I needed to soothe a problem, I turned to food. Two of my sisters turned to buying and in their words “collecting” stuff. When I learned not to turn to food when I was stressed out, wine helped. But then I started to notice a lot of empty bottles that needed to be returned. Right here I will say, I am not an alcoholic. An alcoholic needs to drink. I don’t. I don’t fantasize about my next drink. I can go days or weeks without a drink, an alcoholic can’t. But it became so easy to just open a bottle mostly on the weekends when we entertained. It’s an habituation more than anything.
Holly, from 300 pounds down posted Alcohol and other Transfer Addictions last month.
It was a real wake-up call that I too had not really dealt with my food habit but just substituted one habit (food) to another habit (wine). So I cut back and things seemed good until I went away this past week and saw how my family and friends deal with anxiety, stress, OCD. You pick the name.
I realized we all pick out “drug” of choice.
Food. Alcohol. Gambling. A good deal on eBay.
Collecting. Hoarding.
And yup, if you can’t get rid of “stuff” you are a hoarder. It’s in my family. I hoarded and ate food. My mom and dad kept everything so it was quite a chore to declutter and throw out the accumulated junk when they died, from a house and cottage with multiple sheds full of junk.
My oldest sister helped sort through the crap, just in case she would need it one day. I’m sure it is still in boxes in her house. A house full of accumulated stuff. Her husband does the same. They collect. She says she’s not a hoarder. It isn't piled high as we see on the show Hoarders but organized in many, many display cabinets, bookshelves and on tables. Everywhere. The oddest thing I notice is that she still has clothing from the last 40 years—my bridesmaid dress and her wedding dress. She’s been divorced for over 30 years. All sorts of flotsam and jetsam. Buying and accumulating this stuff is her “drug” of choice.
My youngest sisters “drug” of choice is getting a good deal on eBay. And selling it again to make a profit. Kind of a good business. She’s made a little money and it keeps that anxiety demon down. She is single, has a very small condo so doesn't have a lot of room for stuff. When she moved across country a few years ago, she came in an SUV with 9 boxes. Her life was whittled down to a few essential. But the need to get stuff is awakening with the buying and selling of things.
My third middle sister downsized last year to a two bedroom condo. She took very little from her house. They have another condo outside the city for future retirement but all new stuff was bought for that one—the shopping and organizing was how she deals with anxiety. When she sold the house there were years of old receipts, tax returns, clothing, gifts, furniture. You name it, she kept it. She didn't want to donate to charity because she thought her “stuff” was much too important and precious to give to some stranger. Her kids didn't want it. In my opinion it was just old crap. So...
She talked my oldest sister into taking most of the excess furniture and stuff. It wasn't a hard sell. Older sister thought she had hit the motherlode. More stuff for her place. They live 500 km (360 miles) apart and oldest sister made 3 trips to bring the stuff back home. Middle sister just sat at the house and glowed that others wanted her precious stuff. I was angry because standing on the sidelines I could see that they were both feeding each other’s addiction. They were so excited!
Thrilled.
They talk about this stuff as if it was a person. I will admit that I am distanced from this third sister. If I had to put a word to her, she is a narcissist—the definition is someone who is rather egotistical with a preoccupation with self. Most conversations turn to some example in her life. She has little interest in what is going on outside her core family. You can feel the negative energy pulsing when she is near. She’s distracted until she can talk about something in her life. I've been made to feel guilty and mean by the rest of my family because I don’t put up with her shit. So I just stay away from her. Maybe see her once a year.
I don’t deal well with negative people.
While away, I had a chance to visit not only with my BFF but three of my siblings. We’re all a bunch of nut cases so I won’t say I’m any different. It’s sometimes fun to be nutty.
But I realized we all deal with stresses in different ways. Sometimes I don’t even know that I’m under stress until I start the eating—the junk food, the chocolate...
I grew up the fat girl in a family of 5 kids. I have fought the battle most of my life and continue to do so. Weight control and living the good life is for life not just a moment in time. I know there are some genetics which predisposed me to obesity but I also realize I dealt with anxiety by eating. My other siblings used different forms of calming. Some have a problem with “stuff”.
It became clearer over the weekend that through my life, whenever I needed to soothe a problem, I turned to food. Two of my sisters turned to buying and in their words “collecting” stuff. When I learned not to turn to food when I was stressed out, wine helped. But then I started to notice a lot of empty bottles that needed to be returned. Right here I will say, I am not an alcoholic. An alcoholic needs to drink. I don’t. I don’t fantasize about my next drink. I can go days or weeks without a drink, an alcoholic can’t. But it became so easy to just open a bottle mostly on the weekends when we entertained. It’s an habituation more than anything.
Holly, from 300 pounds down posted Alcohol and other Transfer Addictions last month.
It was a real wake-up call that I too had not really dealt with my food habit but just substituted one habit (food) to another habit (wine). So I cut back and things seemed good until I went away this past week and saw how my family and friends deal with anxiety, stress, OCD. You pick the name.
I realized we all pick out “drug” of choice.
Food. Alcohol. Gambling. A good deal on eBay.
Collecting. Hoarding.
And yup, if you can’t get rid of “stuff” you are a hoarder. It’s in my family. I hoarded and ate food. My mom and dad kept everything so it was quite a chore to declutter and throw out the accumulated junk when they died, from a house and cottage with multiple sheds full of junk.
My oldest sister helped sort through the crap, just in case she would need it one day. I’m sure it is still in boxes in her house. A house full of accumulated stuff. Her husband does the same. They collect. She says she’s not a hoarder. It isn't piled high as we see on the show Hoarders but organized in many, many display cabinets, bookshelves and on tables. Everywhere. The oddest thing I notice is that she still has clothing from the last 40 years—my bridesmaid dress and her wedding dress. She’s been divorced for over 30 years. All sorts of flotsam and jetsam. Buying and accumulating this stuff is her “drug” of choice.
My youngest sisters “drug” of choice is getting a good deal on eBay. And selling it again to make a profit. Kind of a good business. She’s made a little money and it keeps that anxiety demon down. She is single, has a very small condo so doesn't have a lot of room for stuff. When she moved across country a few years ago, she came in an SUV with 9 boxes. Her life was whittled down to a few essential. But the need to get stuff is awakening with the buying and selling of things.
My third middle sister downsized last year to a two bedroom condo. She took very little from her house. They have another condo outside the city for future retirement but all new stuff was bought for that one—the shopping and organizing was how she deals with anxiety. When she sold the house there were years of old receipts, tax returns, clothing, gifts, furniture. You name it, she kept it. She didn't want to donate to charity because she thought her “stuff” was much too important and precious to give to some stranger. Her kids didn't want it. In my opinion it was just old crap. So...
She talked my oldest sister into taking most of the excess furniture and stuff. It wasn't a hard sell. Older sister thought she had hit the motherlode. More stuff for her place. They live 500 km (360 miles) apart and oldest sister made 3 trips to bring the stuff back home. Middle sister just sat at the house and glowed that others wanted her precious stuff. I was angry because standing on the sidelines I could see that they were both feeding each other’s addiction. They were so excited!
Thrilled.
They talk about this stuff as if it was a person. I will admit that I am distanced from this third sister. If I had to put a word to her, she is a narcissist—the definition is someone who is rather egotistical with a preoccupation with self. Most conversations turn to some example in her life. She has little interest in what is going on outside her core family. You can feel the negative energy pulsing when she is near. She’s distracted until she can talk about something in her life. I've been made to feel guilty and mean by the rest of my family because I don’t put up with her shit. So I just stay away from her. Maybe see her once a year.
I don’t deal well with negative people.
My house is not cluttered. I get rid of stuff. Give it away, donate to charity, throw it in the garbage. Stuff just isn't important to me. If I had to flee this house and was given only 5 minutes, I'd probably just grab my hard drive with most of my pictures stored on it. Those are my memories. I can't think of any other physical item that I would need. Yes, I'd feel bad, but honestly, life is the most precious item to save.
Seeing my other siblings made me see that collecting or hoarding or piling up stuff just wasn't me.
Food was my thrill. Over the last few years, I came to realize that I used food to stuff my anxiety. I found other ways to tame the demon.
Alcohol came along. And it’s a good friend. But I am gradually seeing we can’t be close friends.
As I become more aware, I see I must reach for other ways to calm my anxiety.
Or I will turn back to food. Or worse, become a hoarder!
So far I am committed to finding positive outlets for the anxiety. I don’t want or need drugs right now. I was on antidepressants for years and somehow they were only a band aid. I need to deal with this in more constructive ways.
Exercise. Reading. Scrapbooking. Cross-Stitch. Travel. Being with friends and family.
Food was my thrill. Over the last few years, I came to realize that I used food to stuff my anxiety. I found other ways to tame the demon.
Alcohol came along. And it’s a good friend. But I am gradually seeing we can’t be close friends.
As I become more aware, I see I must reach for other ways to calm my anxiety.
Or I will turn back to food. Or worse, become a hoarder!
So far I am committed to finding positive outlets for the anxiety. I don’t want or need drugs right now. I was on antidepressants for years and somehow they were only a band aid. I need to deal with this in more constructive ways.
Exercise. Reading. Scrapbooking. Cross-Stitch. Travel. Being with friends and family.
Blogging. I've considered giving this up many, many times but realize it is my way to focus energy. I may not post often and my thoughts are all over the place, but this is a way for me to deal with life.
Right now I can honestly say I am happy with my life. It has taken many years of soul-searching to reach this point and I'm not done yet.
I can’t see the future but I know it will be good.
Right now I can honestly say I am happy with my life. It has taken many years of soul-searching to reach this point and I'm not done yet.
I can’t see the future but I know it will be good.
Cause it's all up to me...
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